In one of my previous entries, from August 4, 2000: Odds and Endings, I wrote, "As I begin my new job next week at a new company, and as I build up my skills over the next few months, I’m certain I’ll be longing for days like today, when I didn’t have eighteen different projects due right now." I didn’t realize at the time how prophetic that statement was. Only two months into the job, and I’m feeling completely overwhelmed.

This job has been quite a learning experience for me, but not quite in the way I imagined. I haven’t had much of an opportunity to build up my programming or database skills (although I’ve become proficient enough with Unix and PL/SQL to be deadly to any Oracle database that lives on a Sun server, given the proper permissions). I’ve learned a lot about how the software development process works. I’ve learned about the rift that can exist between data migration staff and programmers, and about the often bitter conflicts that exist between development and QA. I’ve also learned how to smooth over some of those conflicts and differences by focusing on each person’s style of communication and learning how to translate to someone else’s style. And I’ve learned from one of my co-workers some of the myriad ways of scamming extra chocolate chip cookies from the staff of the Double Tree Hotel in Portland.

Mostly, though, what I’ve learned has been about myself. I’ve learned, for example, that when there are a lot of changes in my life all at once, I can become immature and whiny, even if those changes are all positive. My new boss pointed out to me that the biggest stressors in a person’s life are: (a) marriage; (b) new job; (c) moving; and (d) death of a spouse, and that in the next year I’ll be going through three of those. Then he laughed and called me a "stress monkey". And, of course, we’re not just moving; Jennifer and I are building an entire house.

These are all great changes. I can’t imagine being happy without Jennifer in my life; the house we’re building is going to be beautiful; and the new job is going well. But when I get stressed and overwhelmed, I’ve found, I wind up focusing on the negative parts of my life. In this case, it’s been an unwarranted focus on the less than positive aspects of my job and my career. For example: instead of appreciating the opportunity I’ve been given and the fact that I am involved in building something new which could potentially make life a lot better for thousands of people, I’ve focused on the fact that I’m not learning everything I’ve wanted to learn; on the working hours (which, because this is a startup, can sometimes hit 17 hours per day); on the fact that all this travel is starting to wear me out and that I don’t get to see Jennifer nearly as much as I want to; and so on. And over the next three weeks, our jobs will take us separately to Portland, Boston, Seattle, Atlanta, and Andover; we determined that in the next three weeks we’ll have something like three days, total, to spend with each other. As the house building heats up and the plans for the wedding get more and more involved, we’ll probably get more and more stressed, though we’ll probably at least be able to spend more time face-to-face with each other — so that we can take out the stress on each other more appropriately. I’ve learned that while Jennifer is the most amazing and wonderful thing that has ever happened to me, an overabundance of stress can lead me to appreciating her less than I ought to.

I’ve also learned that I wasn’t as prepared for this career transition as I thought I was. When I was with the University, I bemoaned the fact that I hadn’t made it into the private sector, even though I had "broken the clerical barrier"; now I find myself occasionally wondering if perhaps I should have stuck it out with the University just a while longer. But, then, I knew that this transition was going to be a culture shock, that I was going to be drowning for quite awhile (sipping from a firehose is the metaphor that our general manager uses) before I really felt comfortable here. I hadn’t realized how big a step it is.

But, then, I remind myself of how far I’ve come (thanks to a whopping head blow from Jennifer, whose grace under pressure and ability to remain calm keep me in a constant state of awe), farther than I had thought possible just a few months ago and farther than many people make it in their lives (though I have no doubt that just about anyone could — I’m no smarter than anyone else, after all). I remind myself of where I was, and where I am, and where I’m headed, and even if the path ahead of me is still hazy and unclear, it’s starting to come into sharper focus; for example, I find that my interest in web development is continuing to shift from straight front-end design and usability concerns to the presentation of dynamic data, customized for the user and for the presenter of data. Which means, of course, that I’m finding myself learning more about PL/SQL and Oracle and Perl than I had originally planned to, and that I am also now interested in building my programming skills in XML and Java. The company where I am now may not be the company I’ll be with a year from now — then again, it might be after all, if the learning and development opportunities that I am building are present.

When I jumped into this ocean, I wasn’t doing it entirely blind; but I was, partially, playing a game of Blind Man’s Bluff. I’ve still got a few more rounds of this game to go before I can see clearly where I’m going. My challenge now — and for some reason this is a challenge I’ve rarely been up to, though I am doing my best to rise to the occasion now — is to enjoy the ride; to seize the day, as I wrote in my own journal a few months ago, and to throttle it.