There’s really no excuse for this at all. I started this class back in June, so it’s been nearly seven months. Granted, there was a period of time when it looked like I wasn’t going to be able to reach the instructor at all, and there was confusion over who, exactly, was going to be teaching the class at all. But, honestly, that down time probably only lasted a month or so, if that.

And yes, there was a wedding in there. That occupied some time. But there were only a couple of weeks when I was unable to work on this class at all.

It’s an on-line class in Java programming that I’ve been taking through UC Davis. The final exam is due tomorrow, and I’m completely stumped. At this point, I’m very likely the only person who hasn’t completed the class, and I can’t come up with a good reason for why I haven’t finished it at this point. Honestly, I could have finished this class months ago. Perhaps I was lulled by the fact that it was so easy for so long. The basic elements of programming in Java were amazingly simple for me to pick up. Once the class moved into GUI’s, it became harder, but not impossible. I received an A+ on the last lesson assignment, and an A- on the midterm (in all honesty, I was a bit disappointed by that, though I know I shouldn’t be). And I’ve completed each assignment and done very well on them.

And so here is the final, and I can’t figure it out to save my life. It shouldn’t be that hard: display a graph of different functions on the screen based on two values input by the user and a function selected by clicking on a button. It isn’t that hard. And if I had another week, I could figure it out.

Problem is, I don’t have another week. I have less than 24 hours. And I can’t find any reason for this situation except my own lack of discipline, my own laziness, my own inability to follow through. Those same qualities have dogged me all of my life, and probably explain to some degree why I’m the 34-year-old unemployed web developer with minimal skills that I am now. (Honestly, there are times when I wonder how it is that I managed to pull off getting a Bachelor’s degree at all.)

And this bothers me. Earlier this week I enrolled at a local community college in a math class and a chemistry class. Bonehead level, both of them; I did rather poorly in both subjects when I was an undergraduate at UC Davis, so I hope that by starting at a basic level I might be able to make a better showing for myself this time around. Though I worry that my own inability to follow thorugh will dog me again, and I’ll wind up in the same sort of situation all over again; and then what? I suppose that then I will simply accept that I’m not meant for any sort of challenging career, that this computer programming thing should just remain a hobby for me, that this whole ecosystem engineer thing is a pipe dream, that I should simply be looking for full-time work that I at least won’t suck at. I’m a good driver. I could do delivery work, and UPS pays fairly decently. Honestly, education costs too much money to waste if I don’t have the discipline or ability to follow through with it; and I can’t help wondering if at this point in my life it’s a little late to try to instill the skills of follow through and discipline that I’d need.

In the meantime, though, I’ll finish up as much of this final exam as I can, and then submit what I’ve got done when the deadline is here. I know that I’ll get a passing grade; but knowing that if I’d gotten my ass in gear long ago I could done much better will be painful.