Israel Kamakawiwo’Ole‘s medley of “Somewhere Over the Rainbow” and “It’s a Wonderful World” is one of my very favorite songs ever. He works the two songs together in a way that is almost seamless, and they work very well together. It’s always struck me as kind of a sad song, too; but that might just be me, because I always get a little sad when I think about Israel Kamakawiwo’Ole. I don’t know why. I just do.

Now, though, it goes beyond just a little sad for me. I can’t listen to this song at all without tearing up and feeling overwhelmed. There are times when I get obsessed with a song and play it over and over again, and this is the song that I played over and over again the day that I took Tangerine to the vet for the last time. I remember that day very clearly, as well as the two days after that; wondering if she was going to be okay, then getting word from the vet that she wasn’t going to be, and there was only one option left.

I can’t help it. It’s been nearly four months, and I still get weepy. A big part of me isn’t ready to believe it’s been four months already. On the one hand, it seems like such a long time. On the other hand, though, it hardly feels like any time at all. I still miss Tangerine. The two kittens we adopted the weekend after she died are fun and a joy to have in our home, but you know how it goes: you just can’t replace that pet with whom you really bonded.

I’m a little intimidated, though, by the intensity of this feeling, so long after the event. If Tangerine’s death made those kobolds come pounding at my door, how will I handle grief that follows from the death of a friend or family member? I can sit and hope that it never comes, but I know that it will.

In short: I’m scared of my own emotions, sometimes. And I still miss my cat.