Current Location: Glasgow, Scotland

So here I am in Glasgow, one of the two Really Big Cities in Scotland. I’m not sure what I was expecting when I arrived yesterday; I got a ride here from the fellow who owns Byre Books in downtown Wigtown, and he warned me that Glasgow has really very little in the way of historical or tourist-type attractions. My guidebook (which has twice steered me wrong now and which really ought to be replaced with something of higher quality, such as Poor Boy Jones’ Guide to the Dullest But Cheapest Stuff on the Planet) recommended as "labyrinthine but calm" this nasty little B&B I’m staying in now.

Being in Glasgow is not like being in Scotland. Being in Glasgow is like being in San Francisco or Sacramento or any other big city that I’ve visited. Aside from the Scottish accents and the fact that people drive on the left side of the road, there is nothing here to make me feel like I’m even away from the United States. Less than two miles away from my B&B is a Starbuck’s Cafe, and just around the corner from that is a Border’s Books. I stopped by Marks and Spencer and bought a towel as a favor to my sister, and it was like any department store in the United States. There are shops going out of business, there are panhandlers, there are miserable-looking businessmen wandering lost and lonely up and down the streets, just like anywhere else in the world.

In fact, the only thing that really makes me feel like I’m in a different country at all is the toilets.

Yep. The toilets.

Wherever you go in the United States, flushing the toilet is a straightforward process. You do your duty, you step back and press the handle and water flows into the bowl and flushes away what you’ve placed in there. That’s it; no mess, no fuss. Simple and clean. It’s a very business-like transaction which requires very little thought or energy.

Flushing a toilet in Scotland, though, is an entirely different process. It’s more like having sex. It requires thoughtfulness, consideration, and a willingness to commit to the process until all parties achieve a satisfactory conclusion. You don’t just push the lever down and walk away; if you approached sex like that you’d get slapped by your partner. And in Scotland, if you do things that way, you’re liable to return later and find that nothing has changed in the bowl except that there’s a bit more water than there was before.

Pressing the lever quickly down once won’t cut it here. You need to be forceful yet gentle, thoughtful yet determined. You have to move the lever down to just the right position and at just the right speed in order to achieve that satisfactory rush of clean water into the bowl which sends your waste away.

I’ve spent time in Los Angeles and Sacramento and San Francisco and Portland. Glasgow is pretty much like any of those. Aside from the one cathedral which I intend to visit (I hear it’s quite lovely) there is nothing of interest or historical value here for me to see. So when I’m done with the cathedral I think I’ll return to the B&B and spend the rest of the day practicing flushing the toilet. There’s a truly sensual pleasure in getting that right.