Clear Cutting and Sweeping Away

Yes, I know that I used this very same graphic in my last journal entry; but I felt that it might be appropriate to use it once again.

This past Thursday — yesterday, in fact — was supposed to be a fairly normal day at work. Install a few applications on my users’ computers, do some routine maintenance on a couple of other systems, make sure that the database is up to date. That sort of thing.

I opened up my mail program and saw a virus warning. Now, I’ve been fed too many scare stories of viruses with names like "Good Times" or "PenPals" to ever believe a virus warning that comes to me via e-mail. This new one was called "ILOVEYOU" and was supposed to do all kinds of horrible things to your computer: zap your hard drive, wipe your memory, eat your processor, seduce your dead grandmother, all of the horrible things that viruses which spread themselves through e-mail do.

Surprise, though: the ILOVEYOU virus turns out to be real. Within fifteen minutes getting the first warning about this virus, I received eight copies of a single message — subject line, "I LOVE YOU" — from a co-worker who had received the e-mail, opened it, and run the attachment. And within seconds after that, everyone of my users, not to mention every computer in the building, had received the same e-mail from the same co-worker. Some had received it eight times, like me; others had gotten up to fifteen copies of the damn thing.

Fortunately, I’d trained my users well, and all of the other Technical Support Coordinators in Human Resources had, too. No one else opened the attachment, so while everyone received multiple copies of the e-mail, no other computers were actually infected. I have a vague memory of running from user to user, instructing everyone to shut down Outlook, until we had an idea of what, exactly, this nasty little program would do.

To add to the confusion, the University is actually between anti-virus software site licenses. About 18 months ago, somewhere in the arcane machinations which control the bureaucracy of the University’s Information Technology division, someone decided that Dr. Solomon was no longer good for the University, and every department had to un-install Dr. Solomon and install Norton Anti-Virus. Now, recently, NAV has fallen into disfavor, and we must now all switch to McAffee. Except that when ILOVEYOU hit, our licenses for McAffee had not yet been completed and our licenses for NAV had all expired. So getting anti-virus protection for our computers was an exciting experience to say the least. All I personally have to say is that I’m very happy that I am not in the position where I would have had to repair a broken Exchange server.

Which, in my opinion, is where the bulk of our own problem lies. The Human Resources division, like — apparently — just about every other major business in the world, including the English Parliament and the United States Department of Defense, is hobbled with the Microsoft suite of Office applications. We’ve weeded out any sort of diversity in our network, and replaced all of the sturdy independent applications — like Eudora, WordPerfect, Netscape, and so on — with Microsoft’s Juggernaut, the Office 97 package. This is sort of like clear-cutting an ancient old-growth forest in the Pacific Northwest and replacing it all with acacia trees all bred from the same stock. Yes, technically, you’re replacing the wood; but your new forest is obscenely vulnerable to a single attack. In a computing environment, it’s nice to be able to reduce your tech support expenditures by paying people just to learn a single package, but there’s a price to pay for such unnecessary functionality. Without locating and disabling the obscure default setting needed to make the system truly useful (a feature which all Microsoft products share), you make your system vulnerable to just this sort of malicious attack.

The lesson to be learned here, is the variety and diversity, whether you’re working with a forest or with a computing environment, is good.

Cue segue. I’m going to draw a really ugly analogy between human emotions and old-growth rain forests and computer networking environments. Wish me luck.

Sometimes, upon the end of a relationship, we find ourselves desperately wishing to get together with someone who was Just Like My Last Love: someone who acts the same, who looks the same, who does the same things… Genetically identical to our last love. We figure, after all, that if such a person made us happy once before, then they will again.

At the end of my last relationship, I spent some time doing just that. I wanted to find someone who was just as attractive, just as intelligent, just as sexy, and so on. I wanted my next relationship to be very similar to the last one, if not exactly the same.

But if all of your relationships are identical, you open yourself up to all of the same hurts and problems again and again. We’ve all heard stories of the women or men who enter abusive and dangerous relationships over and over and over again, never learning their lesson, and so on. I’ve never fully understood the tendency myself, but after watching computer networks fail all over the world because they were, well, genetically identical, I think I see the sense: if all of your relationships are the same, then you don’t have to learn new coping techniques or ways of communicating. And, sadly, if you’re too full of pain, then you probably don’t even have the energy to learn these new techniques. In a way, it’s simply a matter of economics.

But by varying your relationships — by keeping yourself open to all possibilities, even ones that you thought had slipped you by years ago — you keep yourself flexible, you can continue to grow and learn and enjoy, and you find yourself better able to handle your newer relationships.

This is the theory at least. Take it for what it’s worth.

On a more pragmatic level, there is a new relationship in my own life. There are some similarities between this relationship and the one that I ended just recently. The new woman in my life is very intelligent, very attractive, very sexy, but in very different ways than the last. I hadn’t intended to enter into anything new — in fact, I had planned to stay away from all hints of any new relationships for at least a year. This came as a complete surprise to me, and it has, indeed, been a very pleasant one.

Change is good. Diversity is good. I don’t want to imply that the last woman in my life was a bad person in any way, of course, nor that novelty is the reason for my feelings now. Hell, I don’t want to draw any comparisons at all, or analyze anything too deeply. I just wanted to point out the benefits of keeping yourself open to variety, change, and new — or old — possibilities.

There’s very little talk in the way of diversifying our departmental network. We’re sticking with the Microsoft behemoth, keeping diversity at a minimum, maximizing our exposure to deadly attack; and when such attacks come (because they inevitably will), we’ll be terribly vulnerable. By sticking to just what we know, we’re putting ourselves in danger.

Well, perhaps I’m stretching. All I can really say is that while my department’s computing environment has been clear-cut, I’ve been swept away. We’ll see who lasts longer.

Here’s hoping that it will be less than three weeks until the next time…

Zero to Hero and Tempestuous Happenings

As usual, the hero business is up to me. It all began, really, about six weeks ago, when I realized that at the age of 32, my body was about where it was going to be for the rest of my life in many ways (yes, wrinkles will show up and gray hairs will appear and arthritis will probably set in at some point as well… but you probably know what I mean). I wasn’t going to suddenly grow six inches, lose fifty pounds, get perfect vision, and suddenly be cured of my asthma and hypertension. If anything was going to improve or change, I was going to have to take some drastic action on my own.

This is why I’ve enrolled in the exercise/diet program that I’ve written about earlier. This is going to be a year-long program, you see; and at the end of the year, I plan to be in better shape than I’ve ever been in my life. One year from now, I leave for my three-month backpacking trip through Europe, and I’ll be damned if I go weighing 240 pounds, and unable to climb a flight of stairs without getting winded.

This is why I’m starting up another series of weekly entries to this journal. I’m calling this series "Zero to Hero", after the song in Hercules. This will be a more-or-less regularly updated journal of my progress through the program I’m in. I doubt that I will get too intimate (sorry, everyone!) but I’ll certainly chart some essentials, along with whatever thoughts about the entire project that I may have along the way. Any tips on fitness or dieting or lifestyle changes that I pick up along the way will also be entered in the "Zero to Hero" column. My first entry is here.

Tempestuous Happenings

Last night I got to see one of my favorite bands, Tempest, perform. Tempest plays a style of music which the band itself describes as "Celtic rock" but which is really a fusion of Celtic, folk, and rock, with sometimes a bit of Cajun and even Arabian thrown in for good measure (one of their albums — my favorite, actually — is called Surfing to Mecca; that should give a hint of their musical style).

Generally, a concert is only a good concert if, afterwards, your voice is hoarse and your ears are numb (ideally, of course, you’re also surrounded by about two hundred of your closest friends, and pickled beyond recognition by the end of the show as well — though that’s my own opinion). Tempest provides that kind of show; my friends and I sat in the front row, about three feet away from the band, and in the venue that they played in — a converted old barn known as The Palms Playhouse — the music can’t really help but be overwhelming. Just the way I like it when hearing live music.

Tempest has a way of getting up close and personal with their audiences. The lead singer and double-necked-electric-mandolin player Lief Sorbye loves to interact with the audience while playing, and even came up and sat down in my friend Jennifer’s lap during one song of the first set. Jennifer announced that she would never wash her jeans again. I suspect, though, that she was being facetious.

Another friend of mine who had come to the concert was lucky to be sitting where she was. Michael, the fiddler of the band (Tempest is the first band I’ve ever known that has an electric fiddle as one of their instruments), whom my friend perceives as a sort of fiddling deity, stood right in front of her and even looked down at her several times. I’m sure my friend was elated by this; this was the same friend who, after seeing Tempest perform for her first time, went up to this same fiddler and asked, "Hey, Michael! What did you do with the golden fiddle that you won from the devil down in Georgia?".

Tempest was not the only live band I’ve seen perform this week. Last Monday, a friend of mine and I went to The Fox and Goose in downtown Sacramento (great bar — check it out if you’re in Sacramento) to check out Open Mike night. Generally, I love open mike events, and Davis hasn’t got a single decent regular open mike night since the Blue Mango closed down in 1995. Open Mike at the Fox and Goose started, that night, with a fellow who seemed to be tuning his harmonica through most of his set (turns out he was actually performing), and ended (at least for the two of us) with a woman who desperately wanted to be Aretha Franklin but was far too white to pull it off (no, I’m not racist — but this woman’s voice simply did not have the sort of range or depth which the great female jazz vocalists have had; and most of the female jazz vocalists I know of are African American). Instead of sounding inspiring, exciting, or thrilling, she came off as flat and… well… stoned. She was accompanied by three fellows who looked as if they really wanted to be somewhere else. At one point I leaned over to my friend and asked her how much she thought the singer had paid the band to stand there with her.

In all fairness, I suppose that this woman is probably just getting started and hasn’t had a chance to really find her voice yet. She has a good voice, and when she stops trying to imitate Aretha or Ella in order to develop her own style, she will probably be a great singer.

My last live music event of the week is going on as I write this, here on Lucien in Borders Cafe in Davis. I’m sitting here, watching a soft jazz band perform some of my favorite tunes (only one of which — "Girl From Ipanema" — I actually know the name of, but that’s okay). It’s great fun, though not as much fun as screaming "Hal An Tow" at the top of my lungs to the fiddler while the double-necked-electric-mandolin plays, but Tempest simply can’t be a nightly event, can it?

I love live music; probably for the same reasons that I love face-to-face conversations over telephone or internet conversations, or why I prefer sitting around a table playing Dungeons and Dragons instead of sitting at my computer playing in a MUSH. Far too much happens in a personal setting, in a one-on-one situation, that simply cannot be conveyed through a stereo, telephone, or computer screen. Music, just like conversation, is a form of communication; and to get the full message that the musician is trying to get across, you really need to sit up close to them, watching their movements and facial expressions, just as communicating by e-mail will never convey a full message.

Please, though, don’t think that I’m trying to make a point here or anything. This is my personal journal, and I simply ramble on. Perhaps I could tell you more, if we met face to face.

Cinderella Need Not Apply

When it comes to relationships, I am not a Nice Guy. Or, at least, I try not to be.

Every now and then I browse through the personal ads on various sites on the web. I don’t answer any or place any of my own because of some bad experiences I’ve had (details available only in face to face conversation, I’m afraid), but it’s interesting to read through them and see what people think they want.

How many ads from women, for example, do I see that claim they want a "fairy tale romance"? Quite a few (I don’t have numbers, but this is a personal page so I’m not obligated to prove anything). A "fairy tale romance", I think, based on conversations I’ve had with women who want them, is one in which Prince Charming rides in on a shining white stallion, sweeps the princess off of her feet, and the two of them ride off into the sunset forever.

I am convinced that people tell themselves "stories", with themselves in the starring role, which explains the world to them. Sometimes these stories are helpful and healthy, and sometimes they are downright harmful. I’ve met many women, for example, who tell themselves the "Rapunzel" story, in which they are the beautiful princess who is locked in a tower by evil forces (sometimes these forces are cruel parents, sometimes a heartless society, and so on), waiting for the perfect Prince Charming to come along, rescue them, and take them away to live Happily Ever After. The Rapunzel women never leave their towers; they wait their whole lives for Prince Charming to come along.

A variant of the Rapunzel story is the Cinderella story. Women who tell themselves the Cinderella story at least get to leave the tower, but they still need to wait for a Fairy Godmother — sometimes the Fairy Godmother comes in the form of a great job, or a windfall of cash — before they think they have a hope of going to the ball where Prince Charming will meet them and sweep them off their feet, and take them away to live Happily Ever After…

There are other stories, of course, but the main theme is that the woman is the hopelessly misunderstood and helpless, downtrodden, and misused Beautiful Princess who will one day find Prince Charming and live Happily Ever After. The problem, though, is that Prince Charming is never perfect (he ends up being unable to keep a job, or laughs a bit too loud, or spends a little too much time watching football). And "Happily Ever After" is a mythical state of being, in which a romance lasts forever, and there is never any fighting or negative feelings, and the head-over-heels in love state of mind never fades. Unfortunately, there is no such state of being, and the feeling of "being in love" will almost always fade.

Generally, I think of such women as "Fairy Princesses", and I’ve had far too many experiences with them. Fortunately for me, very few such encounters have turned into long-term commitments.

To be fair, men also tell themselves these sorts of stories. It’s harder for me to find fairy-tale counterparts for men, but I’m sure they’re out there. Some men I’ve met, for example, tell themselves a story in which they are a misunderstood Prince who must battle a horde of hags until he meets the True Fairy Princess. These are the men who go through life in a haze of misinterpretation of the women they meet, and each relationship they get involved in invariably ends when he founds out his partner is, after all, only human (I have to admit that the story I tell myself is probably a variant of this one). Some men cast themselves as a male version of a Fairy Princess, and wait in some tower for Princess Charming to come along.

Then there are the Nice Guys(tm).

Women — especially the Heartless Bitches of the world (i.e., the Real Women) — probably know who I mean by the Nice Guy. These are the guys who worship women, who place them on pedestals, who do everything they can to please a woman and completely ignores his own wishes and desires for the woman he’s set his sights on. One such Nice Guy told me, "All women are angels"; another said, "All women are angelic creatures who could not possibly ever be corrupted". Honestly, setting women apart like this really is degrading, in my opinion; it implies that women are not human.

These Nice Guys have no backbone, no spine.

This is why I try not to be a Nice Guy. For one thing, I’m certainly not perfect enough to be Prince Charming; I won’t even try. I won’t place a woman on a pedestal. I won’t worship a woman. I’ll freely get angry and pissed off at a woman if need be, and happily admit I’m wrong when I make a mistake. I don’t believe in Happily Ever After, and I can’t live my life pretending that I’m there. But I can do my best to treat a woman with honesty, respect, and dignity, just like I treat any other sort of human being. I can learn from my mistakes and do better next time around.

I’ll never be perfect, of course. So any Fairy Princess looking for a Prince Charming had probably just look elsewhere.

(Just to address a rumor that I heard over the weekend: No, I am not dating anyone. I am not currently in love with anyone, despite what some people may think. It is true that I have been on a few "dates" with a couple of different women since ending my last relationship, but I’m not actively pursuing anything serious right now. Hope that clears things up.)

A Correction

In my last journal entry, I mentioned a Pablo Neruda poem which began "Today I am going to talk about pain" and ends "Today I am simply in pain". Man, was I ever wrong!

First of all, it’s not by Pablo Neruda; it’s by Oscar Vallejo. Second, it begins, "Today I am going to talk about hope". And third, it isn’t even a poem, for crying out loud. It’s an essay.

My apologies for any confusion this might have caused.


I’m in an unusually introspective mood today, so today I’m going to talk about something different. Today I’m going to talk about grief.

There is a Pablo Neruda poem which begins, "Today I am going to talk about pain", and ends, "Today I am simply in pain". While I don’t consider myself a pain-ridden, angst-infested person, there are times when I need to think about pain and grief.

I am, on the whole, a positive, optimistic person; I have a good attitude towards life, having learned that the only way to really enjoy life is to choose to do so. But every now and then people will say strange things to me: "Richard," I’ve been told, "you are one of the saddest people I know." A former girlfriend once told me that she could see that I had a lot of sadness inside of me. And so on. (Of course, I’ve also been told, "Richard, you have a great attitude", and "Richard, you’re the bravest person I know" — but those self-aggrandizing statements are for another time.) So I’ve wondered what it is that people see in me that makes them say that I’m a sad person, because I don’t, on the whole, feel sad.

Then again.

What I do feel, often, is grief. It’s a strange feeling, something that I frequently have trouble quantifying or describing. I have not suffered any major tragedies in my life outside of the loss of close family members; nothing more than anyone else. My childhood was a good one, and I had a great family. I like my life, and I look forward to the future.

So, why should I feel grief, especially to a level that is detectable to other people at times? I’ve thought about this a lot, and I think I’m beginning to get a sense of it.

Grief comes from loss, or the awareness of loss. I look forward to the future with eagerness and joy, but I’m aware that all of the good things that I have now and that I will experience in years to come will, at some time, come to an end. I love my mother deeply, but I know that one day there will come a time when I will realize, "I haven’t thought about my mother in months, and she passed on years ago." Or, one day, I will have a family of my own: and I know that there will come a time when I’ll look into my son’s or daughter’s eyes, and realize that I no longer know that person. It’s a powerful feeling, and sometimes it’s overwhelming.

Is it a stupid or a silly feeling? I honestly don’t think so. It may seem absurd to feel grief for events or pains that haven’t happened yet, but, at the same time, I think it has served me well. I have become acutely aware of the times that I have lost people close to me, or failed to say "Goodbye" or "I love you" to someone who is leaving me forever.

Say your goodbyes when you can, tell them you love them while you still have them with you.

I suppose that I have at least two choices in the face of this neurosis of mine. One route — which I think would probably be the easier — would simply be to avoid contact with everyone, to avoid loving wherever possible, to become a solitary hermit, to withdraw completely. This would certainly ensure that I never lose anyone that is close to me, simply because I would never have anyone close to me.

That, however, does not seem like a good idea to me.

The other choice is to feel the fear of loss and plunge ahead and be close with people anyway. I may feel pain when I lose a close friend or lover or child or pet — but, all the same, my life will have been richer for having had that closeness in my life. I become very close to my friends, although I may sometimes have trouble expressing that, and I know that I’m really quite blessed to have those friends and family in my life.

What brought on this introspective mood? Part of it was thinking about an old friend that I’ve lost touch with; this person used to be my best and closest friend, a person with whom I could share my deepest feelings, fears, and hopes. Then… something happened. I’m still not sure what; but this person apparently decided that I’m an asshole, and subsequently severed contact with me. Conversations with people who knew both of us very well convinced me that the fault really lay with the other person and not with myself; but the loss lingers. I enjoyed the time I spent with this person, and I regret the loss. But perhaps the end of that friendship was for the best anyway. (Trust me, you don’t know this person.)

You cannot prevent losses in your life; you cannot prevent the pain that they will cause. But you can strengthen your appreciation and love of the things that you have, and face a future that will be filled with more blessings, most of which you have no clue of today.

That may be why some people have told me that I’m a very sad person; or, perhaps, I’ve missed the mark completely. But these are my own thoughts on this.

Once again, I hope I haven’t bored you or embarrassed myself utterly in this semi-public forum.


Throttling the Day

You can’t convince me that there is a single comic strip that is better than Calvin and Hobbes. The interactions between Calvin and his tiger companion are splendid, the artwork is fantastic, and the themes and storylines are wonderful. When Bill Watterson retired in 1996, it was, in my opinion, a great loss; heck, when it happened, I was still reeling from the loss of The Far Side.

What I really love the most about Calvin and Hobbes is the basic philosophy behind the strip… or, at least, what I see as the basic philosophy behind it.. Calvin, the impulsive, creative, hyperactive kid with the imagination that runs overtime, knows that there is much more to life than school, work, and dealing with your parents. While Hobbes, on the other hand, reminds Calvin that those other things are important too. What’s important to me is keeping up with your responsibilities while not forgetting to actually live your life, enjoy it, and have fun with it.

Life, I think, is meant to be enjoyed. After all, when you get right down to it, what else is there to do with it? In the words of the immortal sage Bugs Bunny, "Don’t take life too seriously; after all, you’ll never get out of it alive."

I’m puzzled by people who say that life is drudgery, that it’s meant to be drudgery, that life is meant to be endured, and so on. It makes me wonder what they’re waiting for. Something that I had to learn is that the life I’m living right now is my life, not a dress rehearsal for something else. Making plans is good, preparing for the future is important, and setting and achieving goals is important as well. But while your goals are coming to fruition, you need to realize that your life is still going on.

"Life", my mother told me once (quoting someone else I’m sure but I don’t know who), "is what happens to you while you’re making other plans.

So. Enjoy your life. Take advantage of what the world has to offer and do the best you can to improve yourself and the world around you, while never forgetting to enjoy what you have and be grateful for the gifts that you’ve been given.

Enjoying life is often a choice that you have to make. It is, in fact, something I struggle with every day. However, I have known some people (have even dated some of them) who seem determined to make life a wretched experience; even if you have all of the riches that you want, all of the friends you can possibly have, and everything you think you desire, you can still choose to be angry, miserable, or sad (though if you do, you probably won’t have that many friends after all, thereby further justifying your angry feelings about life). The fact that enjoying life is a choice is the only explanation I have for why I can see very rich people can be miserable, or why some very poor people can be so happy. Research, in fact, has shown that one’s enjoyment of life is pretty much independent of material wealth. (Remember that bit of dialogue from A Christmas Carol: "Merry!" (said Scrooge) "Why right have you to be merry? You’re poor enough!" "What right have you to be miserable?" (answered Fred) "You’re rich enough.").

Seize the day, goes the adage. As Calvin would say, don’t just seize the day; seize the day and throttle it.

I’m not advocating being selfish, being a hedonist, or ignoring the pain and suffering that pervades our world every day; I’m advocating making the choice to make the most of your own life, which means enjoying it as best you can (which, in my opinion, does involve helping alleviate some of the pain and suffering in the world).

On a more practical note, I’ve recently turned 32 years old. This is a pretty good age; still young enough to seriously plan a backpacking trip to Europe (though I doubt I’ll ever be too old for that), but old enough to know what my priorities and responsibilities are. In about 7.75 years I’ll turn 40 and probably begin a new stage in my life. Recognizing that, I’ve made a list of things I plan to do before I turn 40:

  1. Take a backpacking trip through Europe (currently in the planning stages)
  2. Act in a Shakespearean play
  3. Volunteer in a literacy program (now happening)
  4. Get married (but not necessarily start a family — that can wait until I’m in my 40’s)
  5. Go to Australia and New Zealand (after I get back from Europe, of course)
  6. Get a great job as a web developer for an educational institution like the California Academy of Sciences in San Francisco
  7. Write and publish at least two novels
  8. Write and publish my non-fiction book Shakespearean Mutations
  9. Heck, become a Shakespearean scholar
  10. Produce a television series on public access television (I have an idea for a series called The Commons which I’ve been developing — something influenced by Twin Peaks with elements of Stephen King and John Irving)
  11. Get involved in the production of a movie
  12. Volunteer at a children’s hospital or similar organization

I’m not sure how interesting or important this all will be to anyone else. But it’s pretty interesting to me, and I suppose that’s what really matters in this personal vanity page, eh?

Until next time, of course, I remain,
Your obedient and humble servant,

To Hell with it All (And Wipe that Grin off Your Face)

Damn it, I am going to go to Europe next year!

I’ve been planning a trip to Europe for nearly two years now, ever since I last visited my friend Steve at his home in Simi Valley, California. While I was taking the train back up, I read a book on World War Two, and thought about history a bit. I also began to think about my life (dangerous pastime, that!) and about all of the things I had and hadn’t done. A trip to Europe seems like a very natural thing for me to do, especially while I’m still relatively young, single, and child-free.

So, I began to save my money; I put aside $300 per month into my savings account, and even took on an additional part time job to supplement my savings. I bought guidebooks and maps and talked to people who had been to Europe, and began to plan these things out.

Unfortunately, it didn’t happen. A couple of poor financial choices all but eliminated my savings, and when I got to the point when I was supposed to buy my tickets, I realized that I had been dipping into my savings each month to buy non-essentials, and was left without enough money. So, I pretty much gave up on the idea.

In recent months, I’ve been putting money aside again, into my 403(b) account that I have with the University. This is a better plan than a simple savings account, for several reasons: the interest rates are higher (if you invest well); because it’s pre-tax, putting aside $300 per month actually works out to something like $250 out of your paycheck instead of the whole $300; and, most importantly, it’s hard to get at this money. You need to go through a lot of red tape to get at that money, preventing impulse purchases of, say, a zip drive or a new stereo or VCR. Ostensibly, the plan is to put aside this amount of money and then take it out when I have enough to pay of the loan I took out for this computer. Then, once that was done, I’d start putting money aside again, funnelling money that was going to the computer loan into paying off others of my few debts, and so on.

The hell with all that, though.

I’ve decided that instead of paying off the computer right away, I’m going to take out that money next year and fund my trip to Europe. I’ll be 33 years old when I get there, but what the hell? I’ll have enough money saved up and enough vacation time squirreled away that I’ll be able to afford a 3-month backpacking trip in Europe without too much financial pain. And if my proposal goes through at work, I’ll be able to put aside more money per month, and stay even longer.

Of course, paying off your debts is important. I’ll be making regular monthly payments onto my various loans and debts even while I’m saving my money; I just won’t have them paid off as soon.

It’s back to this priorities thing; will I put a higher priority on a life-nriching experience where I will be able to travel, see a good chunk of this rock that I share with 6 billion others of my species, and the opportunity to meet incredible people and have amazing experiences? Or will I be a Good Citizen and deny myself an opportunity for growth to pay off a debt?

Well. I believe that I certainly have my priorities straight.

Wipe That Grin Off Your Face!

I’ve been in a great mood of late. Well, I’m normally a pretty happy person (or, at least, I try to be), but lately, even in the face of a couple of minor setbacks, I’ve been able to maintain my positive mood.

There’s no particular reason for my uplifted mood… and why should I need one, anyway? God — or whatever deity (or lack thereof) that you choose — has been good to me. I’m blessed to be surrounded by people who love me and whom I love (even if I’ve had to end communication with some of them for the sake of our mutual sanity); I have a good job that I enjoy; and more.

Part of this is certainly that I’m beginning to work on reaching some of my long-term goals. I’ve managed to stick with the exercise/diet program that I started a couple of weeks ago, for example (and knowing that being in shape when I go to Europe will heighten the experience has certainly been an incentive for that). I’ve also made contact with the local chapter of the Society for Creative Anachronisms, something I’ve been meaning to do for years.

All in all, I’ve been pretty fortunate in my life, and I’m very grateful for that. I’ve had rough times, but who hasn’t? The world is an amazing place to be in, and I’m happy to be here.

Think I’m being irresponsible with my money, or that I’m unrealistic in my outlook on life (or do you know of a reason why I should be unhappy, depressed, and upset with life)? E-mail me and feel free to let me know.

Until later!

Promises, Promises. Plus, what I want to be when I grow up. And heartless bitches online.

I know, I promised that the next journal entry would be called "First and Primary Responsibilities", but I’m afraid that’s not going to happen.

See, basically, life is just a funny thing. Sometimes you can be just walking down the street, and BAM! something strange and unusual has happened. It might be a new love, or it might be a bus barrelling down on you at sixty miles an hour. In this case, though, it was just a newspaper article that I read this afternoon while waiting for the mechanics to finish putting new tires on Spiff.

This article talked about a UPS delivery man here in Davis who is about to retire. This delivery man had, over the years, developed a reputation for being very good-natured, for always bringing a smile to every place he delivered packages to, and generally being known as one of the nicest, friendliest guys in Davis. The entire city pulled together and put together a big retirement party for him.

Which brings me to…

What I Want To Be when I Grow Up

No. Not a UPS delivery man.

One of the most influential books I’ve ever read was The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People. In this book was an exercise which suggested imagining your own funeral, and imagining how you would like people to remember you in their eulogies to you. Specifically, it suggested considering how you would like to be remembered by your friends, by your spouse, by your family, by your employer, and by community leaders.

Without going into too much detail, then, here are the answers I came up with:

By My Friends: I’d like to be remembered by my friends as someone who is reliable, respectful, kind, generous, willing to help out, and fun to be with. I’d like to be remembered for my ability to make people feel loved.

Of course, this comes with qualification. No one’s perfect, and I’m certainly not perfect by any stretch of the imagination. I’ve failed some friends in the past, more often than I care to remember, and more recently than is comfortable. There have been times when I’ve simply cut off all contact with a friend, just because the two of us were enough at odds to make any interaction unbearably painful. I know I made the right decisions in those cases, but such decisions are always painful, even when they were necessary. Sometimes, even if no one is in the wrong, two people simply… stop clicking. In an ideal world, I’d still be able to keep the lines of communication open with former friends, but sometimes it’s simply impossible to do so.

Then, of course, there are the times when I’ve felt like it was necessary to destroy a friendship in order to save a friend. I’ll never know if I was successful, and I’ll always doubt my actions and try to second-guess myself.

By My Family: I’d like to be remembered by my family as a supportive, giving, kind person able to give wise counsel when necessary, and giving appropriate guidance to my loved ones, and able to make them laugh and enjoy life.

Again, qualification is needed, though. As of now, I have no family of my own (and, I admit, I’m more than grateful about that), though I plan on having one someday. However, I can observe my parents, my various relatives with families, and those friends of mine who have families, and learn from their successes and their mistakes. I’m convinced that creating a successful marriage and raising a good family is a hell of a lot of hard work.

As far as my parents are concerned, I am one of those who admits to owing my folks a large debt of gratitude. They’ve given me a lot throughout my life, and I have always been able to rely on them for help or guidance when I’ve needed it. I hope that my parents are never incapacited or unable to make their own way, but if that happens, I hope that I will be in a situation where I will be able to help them as much as they’ve helped me.

By My Employers: I’d like to be remembered as someone who was able to work with integrity and to the best of his ability, working effectively and well to achieve good results and share in the vision to make the place of employment the best possible. I’d like to think, for example, that my current job does its best to improve the quality of UC Davis, even though I have nothing to do with the educational side of things, which is where the real importance of the University lies.

Yet again, there are qualifications. I’m not always to most motivated, dedicated worker. Just yesterday, in fact, I was told my by boss that I had better get on the ball on a portion of my work which has been neglected, or face some unpleasant consequences. It’s strange how much pride we take in our work; while being criticizes, I felt a strong urge to get defensive, to shift the blame on to someone else, to deny that I had been neglecting this portion of my work. But I couldn’t do that, in good conscience; honestly, while I think I do good work at my job, there are definitely areas that could stand improvement. So, I swallowed my pride and worked out a plan of action with my boss for improving this area of my performance.

By the Community: I will probably never be a "Pillar of the Community". Over the years, I’ve received a lot from the community that I live in; I’ve been given financial aid when I’ve needed it, gotten free medical care from the community clinic when I needed that, free mental health care when I needed that, and so on.

My life has changed a lot since those days, and only for the better. I have a good job with great benefits, which pays my bills with a decent monthly surplus, and I no longer need to rely on the free community serves which are out there.

So, I believe it’s appropriate to give something back to the community. I do what I can, where I can, using the skills that I have. There are people who are much worse off than I am, and I know that "there, but for the grace of God, go I". I don’t mind giving money to homeless people; perhaps it will only go to alcohol, perhaps not (either way, who am I to judge?); I contribute time to an adult literacy program; and I hope someday to volunteer for a children’s clinic or a similar place.

Most of all, like that UPS delivery man, I would like to be remembered as someone who was able to bring a smile to people, to make them feel better about themselves and the world around them. In many ways, I think I’ve succeeded in this goal; I could die today, knowing that, on the whole, the world is a better place for my existence. On the other hand, I leave behind me a few spectacular failures, a few broken hearts, and the detritus and flotsam which are the unavoidable consequences of a well-lived life.

But as the New-Age writer Richard Bach once wrote:

"There is an easy way to tell if you’ve finished your mission here on Earth. If you’re still alive, you haven’t."

I’ve got a ways to go, I guess. But I think that I’m doing a good job.

On a Different Note Entirely:

I feel like I need to put the record straight about something. Doubtless, this will be meaningless to the vast majority of my reading audience (or maybe not; I have no idea how many people actually read this journal).

Yes, I did refer to an ex-girlfriend as a "Heartless Bitch", and I did so while I was dating her. Before you go judging me, however, I ask that you check out the website Heartless Bitches International to see why I would ever do such a thing. Calling a woman a Heartless Bitch is a compliment, in my opinion; it means that the woman is strong, independent, thoughtful, and intelligent.

I did, however, make the mistake of publically posting an essay about what I thoroughly enjoyed dating a "Heartless Bitch" (in fact, you can see what I wrote here, and see for yourself whether I’m an evil, cruel, black-hearted bastard who deserves to have his intestines ripped out). I’m not ashamed of what I wrote — in fact, I think it was quite complimentary. I am sorry that I sent it to the Heartless Bitches website without her consent. That demonstrated quite a bit of thoughtlessness on my part. It was, indeed, a mistake.

Here I go, though, with the small amount of bitterness I am allowing myself with regards to the end of that particular relationship. I no longer consider that person a "Heartless Bitch".

That’s it, though. I refuse to make any further references to that situation in this journal.

Be well. Until next time, I remain,

Choices, Values, Responsibilities (and other boring shit)

It all comes down to priorities.

And choices as well, I suppose. And consequences.

Recent events have made me think again about these concepts. I believe pretty strongly that just about everything we do, we do by choice; and that every choice we make is a reflection of our personal values. For example, if you choose to eat a ham sandwich instead of talking someone out of jumping off a 30-story building into a vat of boiling lead, then your choice reflects the fact that you value ham sandwiches over someone else’s life.

Pretty simple, I think.

Along with choices, though, come consequences. Going back to our example of the ham sandwich vs. the suicidal jumper, if you choose the ham sandwich, then the consequences will include (a) that you will not be hungry any longer; and (b) someone else will be dead. When you make a choice, you must be prepared to accept any consequences that will come from making that choice. And if you know of the potential consequences before hand, it doesn’t make much sense to be surprised or offended by whatever happens as a result of those choices.

For example: You ate the ham sandwich. Now your friend is dead, having jumped from the building into the vat of boiling lead. There’s no use in being surprised that he’s dead; and, moreover, there’s no point in being offended that he’s dead. It was your choice, after all, and no one else made it for you.

So. Responsibility. I believe pretty strongly in it. You make your choices. You pay the consequences. Your choices reflect your values. So always make sure that your choices, your actions, are in alignment with your values (or, at least, with what you want your values to be — there is often a difference between what we want our values to be, and what they actually are), and that you’re willing to accept whatever consequences result from your actions.

Of course, no one is perfect. You make mistakes. When you do, it’s important to learn from them, and move on. If your friend is dead because you chose to eat a ham sandwich instead of talk him down from his suicidal leap, well, you can admit that it was a mistake, that your values were out of alignment. In this case, of course, remorse is proper, and you should try to make future choices that are more in alignment with your values.

What if you didn’t know that your choice would result in your friend’s death? Then, observe. Learn. Understand how it is that your choice resulted in the way it did, and make better choices in the future. But even then, don’t disown responsibility for your choices, and the results. Personally, nothing makes me madder than someone who says something like, "I didn’t know he would die because of what I did, so I’m not sorry! Hah! In fact, it’s his own fault for dying!" etc.

Naturally, the ham sandwich/friend’s suicide dilemma is an extreme example. Most of the situations we face in life are a lot less cut-and-dried.

So, what makes this all relevant to my life?

Well, this is basically a rant, in response to some choices that I’ve witnessed someone making recently. The consequences are decidedly unpleasant for this person, and they know it, but they persist in making such choices anyway. It saddens me to see the choices that this person is making, and the results of those choices and their reaction… and their continued insistence on these same choices.

Of course, when one has learned behavior patterns throughout one’s entire life, it’s awfully hard to change those patterns and make new choices. But there comes a point when you simply must accept that the problems in your life are the results of your choices; and that you can make better choices to achieve better results.

So, what choices will you make?

  • Will you choose to continue in a dead-end career instead over taking new risks?
  • Will you choose the ham sandwich over the suicidal person’s life?
  • Will you choose your own pride over your friendships? And if you do, will you accept that the loss of your friendships are the results of this choice?
  • It’s all up to you.

Next: "First and Primary Responsibilities, and why I say, ‘Screw it all!’ (and why it’s hard to say it with your tongue in your cheek)"

Until then, I remain,
Your humble and obedient servant,

Propriety, the Naming of Names, and a Domain of My Own


So I have this friend who teases me frequently about not updating this journal. "You know, you really oughtn’t put up a link to a journal page that doesn’t exist," my friend chides me. And today: "You know, one of the points of a journal is that you update it frequently."

So. Okay. Fine. Herewith, an update. Dedicated to my good friend and to all of the other people out there who help me keep on my toes.

Naturally, this journal began with the Best of Intentions, but sometimes it’s hard to follow through. My other good intentions were followed through on, at least: I finished the proposal I’d been working on, and I’ve been working out regularly, and even keeping those eating habits under control (sort of). But this journal will obviously be the downfall of my moral integrity.

For what it’s worth, there is a reason for the delay. My thoughts have been occupied of late by a particular issue which seems to have dominated much of my interactions with people of late. I would have put pen to paper (or finger to keyboard, or client to server, or whatever) and shared the issue with whatever regular readers wander through here, but I feared that doing so would probably only make the situation worse; there are just some things that mustn’t be made public. Propriety demands that I simply keep my mouth shut; or, at least, my fingers off the keys.

What is this issue? you say. Click here and maybe I’ll tell you.

Thus ends the discussion on propriety, for now.

On the Naming of Names and a Domain of My Own

So I name things.

It’s not unusual. My friend Lisa named her car, a beautiful Camaro, Dionysis. My car, a 1992 Geo Metro which is probably on its last legs, is called Spiff. I named Spiff after Spaceman Spiff in the Calvin and Hobbes comic strip. Why Spiff? Well, just as Spaceman Spiff, as one of Calvin’s alternate identities, could take him to strange and exotic planets in the distant galaxy, so could my car take me to strange and exotic places in the country. Granted, it hasn’t taken me anywhere more strange and exotic than Yuba City or San Jose, but it’s still an honorable name — at least, in my own opinion it is.

Similarly, my computer, Lucien, is named after a character in a comic book. Specifically, Lucien is named after the Librarian of Dreams in the Sandman comic book series by Neil Gaiman (if you haven’t read this amazing series, you really should). Just as Lucien, the Librarian, was the keeper of all of the books which have never been written, so my computer keeps for me all of the books, short stories, artistic masterpieces, and proposals which are floating around in my head. The computer is like a librarian for me, and contains many of my dreams. Hence, Lucien. A very appropriate name.

And now I’ve purchased a domain name:

I hear you. "Why Mossroot?" Good question. It’s a strange name, I admit; moss doesn’t have a root structure (not to my knowledge, but, then, I only got a B- in Botany), and it’s kind of a nonsensical word.

Well, it’s like this. In my misspent youth (and for a good part of my adulthood, including the present) I played a lot of Advanced Dungeons and Dragons. I calculated once that I ran over five hundred games as Dungeon Master, including a number of aborted campaigns that simply didn’t happen. I created a lot of non-player characters that I thought were really great, even if the players weren’t that interested in them.

One of these non-player characters was a dragon by the name of Mossroot (honestly, I don’t know where that name came from — it sprang into my head and stuck, and I thought it rolled off the tongue well). Mossroot was not a typical dragon: instead of gold, Mossroot hoarded books and knowledge; instead of staying in his lair protecting his hoard, Mossroot explored the world. Since my plan for my website is to make it a portal for exploration of a sorts — the arts, the sciences, and even world culture — I thought that the domain name would be particularly appropriate, even if it is an in joke that only I would get.

Along with this domain name comes an additional 50 MB of webspace, giving me a total of 90 MB. I’m not entirely sure what I’ll do with it all; it’s been suggested that I could possibly run a MUSH with it, but that’s probably not going to happen; after all, I’ve never played a MUSH in my life, and I doubt that the good people at who are hosting my domain would look on such behavior kindly.

In Conclusion…

Reading over this entry, and my last one as well, it occurs to me that I’m a bit of a chaotic thinker and writer. This entry just kind of goes all over the map; as does my last one. I’d like to tone my writing skills, so that I can focus a bit more.

I have to say that I’m somewhat in awe of people who are able to write cohesive, comprehendible essays in their own journals; Jennifer is a fun writer, and I enjoy reading her journal entries; and the same goes for Lisa.

Perhaps it comes with practice.

At any rate, you’ve come to the end of this entry. As always, I hope that I haven’t bored you terribly; and, of course, I hope to have another one up soon.

As always, if you have any complaints about this journal entry, or if I’ve inspired some deep thoughts in you (or if you have suggestions as to what to do with so much web space), feel free to e-mail me.

The Best of Intentions

So, it is with the best of intentions that I start up this on-line journal. And why not? Some of my best friends are doing it, after all. But I can tell already that updating this journal on a regular basis at all is going to be a difficult chore, at best.

But today is a day of good intentions. Here I sit at a bookstore/cafe in Davis (one of the obscenely large mega-chains that have pretty much rendered the "mom-n-pop" bookstore extinct — and don’t give me any crap about how the mom-n-pop’s could stay in business if they really wanted to; Borders has a much larger advertising and facilities budget than Joe’s Books and Stuff), feeding caffeine into my body and working on at least two different big projects. One of them is The Novel, which I’ve been working on since late December. Well, actually, you could say I’ve been working on it for about three years, since I wrote the actual short story that this novel is based on three years ago. But my goal since I began this novel as a serious project has been at least 500 words per day; my Good Intention today with regards to this novel is at least another 500 words.

The other major project I’m working on this evening is a proposal for work. As an hourly employee for a government institution, I’m really not supposed to be doing this on my own time. However, if this goes through, it would be such a big boost to my career that it would be well worth the time I’m spending on it; and to hell with FLSA regulations about hours worked, time away from the office, and so on. So my Good Intention with regards to this proposal is simply to finish it. Tonight. Before my meeting with the manager tomorrow afternoon.

Another of my Good Intentions, by the way, is to stop procrastinating. Any day now. I swear.

Another good source of Good Intentions is lifestyle changes. "Tomorrow," I say on a daily basis (for example), "I begin my diet and exercise program." Well, yesterday I said "Tomorrow" for the last time (I hope); and this evening, I went to the hospital, got a full exercise evaluation by a trainer (who also measured body fat in some, ah, embarrassing places; and then she wondered why my heart rate seemed to be rather high). This program is a sure target for Good Intentions, with plenty of incentive: it’s costing me $120 per month, so I’d better get my money’s worth. The only way that is going to happen is if I follow through and actually pay attention to the lessons on eating well, go to the workout sessions, and stay in touch with my doctor. Of course, with Valerie (not her real name) as a trainer, my incentive remains quite strong.

I am looking forward to this program. I participated in it once before, about two years ago, and managed to lose a decent amount of weight in a reasonable amount of time. This time around, I figure I’m an appalling 70 pounds overweight; at a healthy rate of weight loss, I could lose it all in just over a year. That is a goal — a Good Intention — well worth following through on.

I’ll let you know how it goes.

Which brings me back to the topic of this journal. My Good Intention is to add to it on a more or less regular basis. I hope to keep it interesting, without being whiny or supercilious or just plain bitchy. I’m full of opinions, thoughts, and feelings on just about every subject under the sun, and I plan to go through them all at one point or another. I also plan to format this journal nice and neat, and even to write a Perl script which will let me update it with the greatest of ease (thus simultaneously ensuring that I update this regularly, and improving my programming skills).

You’re invited to send me an e-mail to let me know if I’m boring you utterly, or if there’s something about this journal which excites you to no end.

Best wishes,