Category Archives: The Squirrel Wars

The Squirrel Wars: An Update

Squirrel with a gun

I’ve written about the squirrel wars twice before, though not since 2007. I see no reason to assume that they have backed off. In fact, the above picture, taken just in my neighborhood, shows quite the opposite. They are, if anything, even more dangerous.┬áJust the other day, in fact, a squirrel in Oregon caused a power outage that affected thousands of people!

Keep an eye out, citizens. The world is full of squirrels, and it is a dangerous place because of them.

Squirrel Wars: Dispatches

Gun totin' squirrel

Our new neighborhood is a hotbed of squirrel activity.  Whenever I look out the window of my office I can see them clambering all over the trees, running in the streets, scampering over our neighbors’ rooftops, taunting the cats.  When I go outside, they chitter and chatter at me, chewing me out.  They may look cute, but I know their darker designs.

Indeed, it seems that one of their latest strategies involves lulling us into a false sense of security:

However, these overtures should not be seen as anything more than sheer duplicity; their attacks are coming just as strong as ever, and there are hints that they’re beginning to employ biological warfare.  To wit:

So, they’ve engaged in a program of defoliation as well as biological warfare.  We should all be worried.

Of course, the staple of the squirrel arsenal is their attacks on our power lines.  I can only assume these are some sort of suicide attack, because the squirrels are usually electrocuted in the process.  There have been two such attacks lately, in very different parts of the world:

Fortunately, some people are fighting back; for example, Iranian police seized and brought into custody fourteen squirrels accused of international espionage.

Finally, a band calling itself the Squirrel Nut Zippers has chosen to reunite to provide us all with musical inspiration during these dark times.  Good for them!  Naming themselves after our rodent foe displays a daring defiance and determination which we should all try to emulate.

There is still much to do, though.  When will America wake up?  The odds of being inconvenienced by a squirrel attack are nearly one in fourteen million.  Constant vigilance is key.  Keep an eye out for squirrels acting strangely.  And if you suspect that any of your friends, neighbors, or loved ones are displaying any squirrely tendencies, I urge you to report them to the authorities right away.

Game still on squirrels.  America will never surrender!

The Little Demons March On

From Chicago:  Squirrels Torch Man’s Home Twice in 8 Days:

For the second time in eight days, Turcott’s Blue Island home caught fire when squirrels knocked high-voltage wires loose from a utility pole and onto his three-story house, fire officials said.

An accident? I think not.

And then from Burlingham, VT:  Squirrel Deflects Bullet to Tree Worker!  The squirrel-dominated media, of course, would have us believe that the hunter was at fault for bad aim, but I think we know better.

The people in India had better watch out: Giant flying squirrel found in Jharkhand. Looks like reinforcements are starting to show up.  And this one flies, too.

Let’s be careful out there.