Squirrel Wars: Dispatches

Gun totin' squirrel

Our new neighborhood is a hotbed of squirrel activity.  Whenever I look out the window of my office I can see them clambering all over the trees, running in the streets, scampering over our neighbors’ rooftops, taunting the cats.  When I go outside, they chitter and chatter at me, chewing me out.  They may look cute, but I know their darker designs.

Indeed, it seems that one of their latest strategies involves lulling us into a false sense of security:

However, these overtures should not be seen as anything more than sheer duplicity; their attacks are coming just as strong as ever, and there are hints that they’re beginning to employ biological warfare.  To wit:

So, they’ve engaged in a program of defoliation as well as biological warfare.  We should all be worried.

Of course, the staple of the squirrel arsenal is their attacks on our power lines.  I can only assume these are some sort of suicide attack, because the squirrels are usually electrocuted in the process.  There have been two such attacks lately, in very different parts of the world:

Fortunately, some people are fighting back; for example, Iranian police seized and brought into custody fourteen squirrels accused of international espionage.

Finally, a band calling itself the Squirrel Nut Zippers has chosen to reunite to provide us all with musical inspiration during these dark times.  Good for them!  Naming themselves after our rodent foe displays a daring defiance and determination which we should all try to emulate.

There is still much to do, though.  When will America wake up?  The odds of being inconvenienced by a squirrel attack are nearly one in fourteen million.  Constant vigilance is key.  Keep an eye out for squirrels acting strangely.  And if you suspect that any of your friends, neighbors, or loved ones are displaying any squirrely tendencies, I urge you to report them to the authorities right away.

Game still on squirrels.  America will never surrender!

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