Remakes that don't need to be made but are being made anyway

I offer the following as proof that Hollywood not only does not care about us, but actively hates us with an intense fiery passion, and laughs at us because we continue to fall for their shenanigans.

  • V. Apparently NBC has been working on a remake of the brilliant 80’s science fiction invasion miniseries, only this time without Marc Singer, Robert Englund, or Jane Badler. The only good news here is that the project has been in development for three years and probably won’t ever see the light of day.
  • Friday the 13th. Not so much a remake as a “reboot”. Granted, an occasional reboot can work well. Think Battlestar Galactica. Most of the time, though, “reboot” makes me think “reimagining”, which rarely works well. Think Tim Burton’s Planet of the Apes. Think Rob Zombie’s Halloween. I am looking forward to J. J. Abrams’s reboot of Star Trek, because if anyone can bring an original vision to a pre-existing mythology, then it’s Abrams. Then again, I said that about Tim Burton, and we all know how that turned out.
  • The Rocky Horror Picture Show. MTV apparently has this one in the works. Seriously, here all I can think is “What the hell?” I mean that in all sincerity. What. The. Hell. It was an awful movie to begin with, made into a cult classic because people were originally so appalled by its awfulness that they took to throwing toast and toilet paper at the screen, which made RHPS an event instead of a mere movie. You can’t throw a big budget and name actors at an event like this and hope to come even close to the original experience. If this goes anywhere besides straight to the budget DVD rack at WalMart, I’ll be seriously surprised.
  • The Wolfman. It won’t have Lon Chaney. ‘Nuff said.
  • Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure. An iconic 80s movie, made gloriously memorable because of Keanu Reeves and George Carlin. But now Carlin is dead and Keanu has gone on to become a great popular higher paid actor, so what will the new B&TEA have? Pretty much nothing. Why not just remake Weird Science? Or War Games?
  • The Day the Earth Stood Still. Speaking of Keanu Reeves. Keanu Reeves, for God’s sake, in an unnecessary remake of one of the greatest science fiction films of all time. How about Forbidden Planet with William Shatner? Sheesh.